Nrthugu

and was visibly disappointed when I replied negatively

This is their problem, not yours.

How should I react to a question such as this?

If you feel uncomfortable defending your position when it comes to religion, politics or sex, or simply you don't want to discuss them with an extraneous person, recall that you don't have any obligation to: cut it short and answer that you're there to just answer questions about the subject you TA.

I don't want to be put in a similar situation again.

If that is indeed your main motivation, the best thing to do is to politely refuse to discuss the topic with the student, as suggested in @Vladhagen’s answer.

More generally speaking, how do I react to a situation in which I have to answer a question in a way that I know is likely to upset a student, without lying or making the situation worse?

Although Vladhagen’s suggested approach seems the best suited to avoid confrontation and minimize the extent to which the student may get upset without lying to them, I think it’s worth examining your premise that telling students things that may upset them (particularly in the current context) is something that necessarily needs to be avoided. Consider the fact that for many students, college is the first place where they start encountering many people whose cultural backgrounds and beliefs differ significantly from their own. So, “making the student upset” by showing them that there are interesting, intelligent people out there with beliefs different from theirs may actually be doing them a big favor. You are not making them upset, you are helping them grow up.

Moreover, a truthful answer promotes the general value of truth-telling, which is always a good thing. So, unless you have reason to fear that the student genuinely “can’t handle the truth”, answering truthfully seems to me like the course of action that leads to the best outcome for society, although it is a bit more unpleasant for you personally.

Make it clear that religion is not a topic for conversation. When raised, reply with:

My religious views are private.

That should end the conversation, but, if pushed, follow with:

This isn't a topic for conversation.

You needn't react, per se, you just need to dismiss the topic, and this response enables you to do so honestly.

^{As rightly noted by Buffy, "[t]here are countries...in which the only accepted (safe) answer is the State Religion". I have assumed the OP isn't in such a country, given the phrasing of their question.}

In the US, you have done just the right thing. Tell him the truth and leave it at that. You can't avoid such situations as they are set up by others.

Of course, you can say, and it is perfectly valid, that such questions are very personal to you and you don't feel that you want to discuss them. Reasonable people will accept that, and if they aren't reasonable, they have no right to proselytize. You don't need to be harsh ("None of your business"), but you have no obligation to answer.

There are countries, of course, that have State Sponsored Religion in which the only accepted (safe) answer is the State Religion, but not here.

It's simple:

"Sorry, I do not discuss my religious views with anyone, and am not interested in learning about other people's views. Thank you."

And it's the same if they approach me about politics.

I'm fairly blunt, assertive, and unequivocal: stay away from me in all matters of religion. I'm not interested in what anyone has to say.

People should know by now that discussing politics and religion with strangers or acquaintances is liable to get you an earful at best; but the chances you are going to sway someone one way or another - while at work - is slim to none. Such topics create bias and division in the workplace, and can bite you in the rear later on. Best to always avoid these subjects while at work, unless your work is directly related to religion. (Or politics).

It is like a question about your political opinion or sexual preferences: It is your private matter!

If you want to tell the student, you can do so, but you'll have to face the discussions (which can be fruitful or stressful), but if you prefer not to share them (which many people will do in a professional context), tell the that this touches your private field and since this does not belong to the workplace, you do not want to answer this question.

Although other answers are basically reasonable, I think the answer to this and other questions about personal/inflammatory things is "don't engage"... but be polite.

E.g., say "We really shouldn't talk about this here. Here, we talk about math (or whatever)." This can also apply to pick-up lines, and harassment of other sorts. It is harassment. Thinking of it that way, the futility of giving some information and "reasoning with" the harasser becomes clearer.

In different words, although we should be "personal" as opposed to "stand-offish" with students, it is definitely a friendly-and-compassionate persona we take up... which does not even understand questions about religious or political affiliations, for example. :)

I know, easier said than done. But I do recommend aiming for that.

So the goal is to find a way to react, with the following requirements

1. to never be put in the same situation again


2. to not upset the student


3. to not lie


4. to not make the situation worse

Let's take them one by one and then combine the solutions to find the optimal one.

1. to never be put in the same situation again

I am afraid that you cannot control what people will say when they start talking with you. You can influence that by opening every discussion with something along the lines I don't speak about religious matters. In this way you will also get notoriety and perhaps some people will stop doing it. Still, it's not 100% effective. It might even have a boomerang effect, i.e. religious people to consider you're a lost soul needing guidance. Conclusion: No solution.

2. to not upset the student

What did exactly upset the student? From what you said, it's the fact that you told the student that you do not have the same religion. So, to NOT upset the student, just reverse the previous phrase, i.e. do not tell the student that you do not have the same religion. We can go with the analyses further and think what would happen if you would not say that, but instead reply with something along the lines I do not want to speak about religion. I think the likely outcome of that would be that the student would still get upset, but that's just my assumption, you may try it out and come back to this answer. Alternatively you can lie and tell the student that you do have the same religion. I bet that would not upset the student. Conclusion: lie to the student and tell them that you have the same religion.

3. to not lie

If you don't want to lie to the student, you obviously have to be honest. The way you proceeded is the most honest way. Conclusion: Be honest and tell the student that you do not have the same religion.

4. to not make the situation worse

I don't know how you define worse, so I can't provide advice on that. Conclusion: No solution.

Let's put draw all conclusions and see how we can put them together:

1. Conclusion: No solution


2. Conclusion: Lie to the student and tell them that you have the same religion


3. Conclusion: Be honest and tell the student that you do not have the same religion


4. Conclusion: No solution

Solution 1, and 4 are incompatible with any other solution, so you either accept that there is no solution, or you change requirements 1 and 4. To go further, I'll assume you give up on these requirements, as I can't possibly know how you might want to change them.

Now we only have solutions 2 and 3. They are obviously incompatible. 2. says you should lie, 3 says that you should be honest, which are antonyms. You'll have to give up on one of the requirements 2 or 3.

In conclusion: You either pick 1 and 4 as a solution, or 2, or 3. One last alternative is to change the requirements all together, but that would just mean that you accepted 1 and 4, and you'd try to solve a different problem, wouldn't it?

Note 1: By this point I expect that some people will say that this answer is not helpful, as it doesn't give the OP a solution that matches all their requirements. To which I reply that you can't draw 7 red lines, 2 with red ink, 3 with green ink, and the rest with invisible ink, all perpendicular to each other.

Note 2: Some critics will say that my answer (lying and honesty are exclusive) is trivial. To which I reply that the question would not have existed if the solution would have been that trivial.

Religious proselytizers don't do you the courtesy of letting you avoid this conversation in the first place.

You don't have an obligation to extend them a courtesy they don't extend to you (that of avoiding an unwelcome turn in the conversation).

That is not to say that you should seek to be rude, but seeking to avoid offending someone who sets out to create a situation in which they will be offended if you don't give the answers they want is creating the problem -- don't take on responsibility for the situation they felt no compunction about creating.

I suggest you don't answer questions on personal topics, particularly on religion or politics or your personal relationships (or a number of other subjects).

I recommend simply cutting the conversational direction right at the beginning. Don't feel like you have to be overly gentle (it tends to be taken as encouragement) -- the inappropriate behavior was not yours. It's necessary to be firm and clear and leave no hint of wiggle-room for continuing the conversation in that direction. Something like this:

"I am here as a TA for your course. I am willing to discuss anything directly relevant to the course that falls within my responsibilities as a TA. It is not appropriate to expect to engage in discussion of personal topics."

If they choose find that offensive, that's not an issue you should need to be concerned about -- you can remain within the bounds of reasonable interactions but you cannot control how people will react. After that, as far as possible make sure that any interactions with the student take place with another person present.

How do I react to a situation in which I have to answer a question in a way that I know is likely to upset a student, without lying or making the situation worse?

There is no such situation regarding religion! There is no obligation to provide any answer to a student's question. Professionals are entitled to their own personal beliefs, just like normal people, and they are entitled to refuse to answer personal questions. But please do this politely.

Suppose the question was personal, but of a different nature: one of the other topics "not to be discussed in polite company". Would you have reacted the same? ...or would you have felt more secure in responding, "I appreciate your interest, but I don't think it's necessary to get into my personal beliefs about [koans / the Prosperity Gospel / helminthic therapy / homeopathy / Interpretational Quantum Mechanics / Quakerism] during office hours."

And if you like the student, to add "maybe after the final we can get boba and talk about it some more."

In the very first college class I taught, I had a student come up after class who wanted to engage me in conversation. He began with something along the lines of "Don't you think all these Christians are stupid?" He assumed that all college profs and TA's were atheists, and he was clearly looking for some validation.

Unfortunately, I'm a fanatic Lutheran, attend church every Sunday, sing in the choir, go camping with the youth group, etc. So I just said, "Well, I don't feel all that stupid, but I can ask some of the others at my church, if you'd like." His eyes got big and he slunk (slinked?) away. I felt bad for him.

I also didn't want to be put in that uncomfortable situation again. So I make it a point in every class to somehow let it be known that I'm a serious Christian. I do this by sneaking the fact in when I'm introducing myself. "My hobbies are homebrewing, coffee roasting and I'm learning to play the pipe organ. I suck at pipe organ, but I'm good enough now that I can play one hymn while the real organist goes up for communion." Slick, eh?

I believe that the first day of class is when the students are listening most closely. That's when to set up your personality. The things you say the first day will stick. "Please don't give me little gifts like key chains or pencils. I appreciate the gesture, but it makes me uncomfortable. Please keep our relationship academic. I will be most effective as a teacher if I know you only as a student. I'm not going to join your pyramid scheme, your club, watch this great movie you love, read this book, etc. It only distracts me from my number one goal. If you're in a play or part of a concert, do let me know that, because I'll probably attend."

This sort of pre-emptive strike may not be 100% effective, but it's close.

Some religions make recruitment ('Spreading the Good News') a permanent obligation. This student seems to believe in his religion, and doubtless gains benefit from it. Maybe it even makes him a better person. Don't set Human Resources up against all this. No-one wins, everyone gets upset.

You deal with lots of people. You WILL be put in this situation again. People will also invite you to join pyramid selling schemes, book clubs and drinking parties. It's part of YOUR life skills to be able to deal with these politely, and without getting YOURSELF upset. Don't worry about his behaviour. Worry about your reaction.